“Boris, Rex Tillerson.”

“Good to hear from you Tillers.”

“Sorry I had to bump you off the Moscow jaunt with Putin. It was big boys’ stuff.”

“Might have been worse. Golly, could have been bumped off a United airliner.”

“Vlad sends his regards. Says he’ll agree to see you when he gets his invite to ride in the Queen’s gold coach.”

“Saving that for the Donald. Her Majesty can’t wait.”

“Now that House Speaker Paul Ryan has announced we’re ready to do a bilateral trade deal once you’ve tunnelled your way out of Europe, I just want to lay down a few post-Brexit ground rules.”

“Can’t wait. We’re geared up to sell you the best of British, starting with thousands of motor cars that we manufacture. We can supply a full range of Nissans, BMWs, Toyotas, Honda …”

“Woah … they need to be solely British … How about Jag-u-ars … I could drive one around for you as a sort of showpiece.”

“Uh, they’re owned by the Indians. Guess we could revive the popular Robin Reliant three-wheeler that was made in Tamworth.”

“Well, I’m sure we could do a great deal with your coal.”

“Bit difficult. Mrs T shut down the pits.”

“Ok, how about your North Sea oil. We’ll take as many barrels as you can produce.”

“Awkward. We’re running low and, anyway, they’re in Scottish waters and Scotland may stay in Europe.”

“The President will be outraged. He wants to do a deal for Turnberry sweaters. We’ve got a ready market for them here in the States. Just one proviso, they must have the Trump logo.”

“But all our woollen goods are produced in India and beautifully made by 12-year-old schoolchildren. They are enormously talented.”

“Well I’m sure you’ll come up with something that is British made and passes the President’s test, which is they must not have any Muslim connection.”

“How about British bricks for the great Mexican wall?”

“Great idea, provided you get the Mexicans to pay for them.”

“We’ve got the best technical wizards in the world. We can supply you with computers galore.”

“You’ve not heard of Silicon Valley? That’s already over-run with Brits, and the President thinks Americans should have their jobs.”

“Who will we need to negotiate with to get our Trade Deal up and running?”

“Oh, haven’t you heard? The President has appointed as his UK-trade spokesman Lord Farage …”

“But … but … but he’s not a lord …”

“That’s the President’s price for a Trade Deal. And Farage must also travel in the gold coach …”

“Cripes. Is there a zip wire where I can hang myself?”